Uncategorized

A Closure

Hello A,

How are you? I don’t know what you’ve been up to recently, but I’d always love to imagine you somewhere being happy with the life that you live, because that’s how I want you to always be.

I’m not one to share my feeling and thought to you. You know that, right? And now that a few things have changed between us, it’d be weird if I suddenly reach out to you and tell you things that happened in my life after you’re gone because…it’s not your business anymore. Duh. So from now on, my post will no longer be about you. And as a closure for what had ended between us, let me tell you something that has just begun in my life.

A, I met someone. He’s nice, funny, and has the best heart. He has a mysterious way of making me feel safe. Safety; it’s something that I had been searching for so long in a person, and I didn’t find it elsewhere before him. Can you imagine how ecstatic I am to have met him? Well, maybe ecstatic is an understatement. I’m a firm believer that without the feeling of safety, you will never be able to open up and be the true version of yourself in front of your partner. And he, with everything he has, makes me feel safe. That’s a good thing, right?

I used to be scared of opening up myself to others. The concept of letting someone see the ugly side of me is really terrifying. Maybe that’s why I always pushed away those who tried to get to know me better. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t that open to anyone about my very personal issue. I was too scared to do all that. But he, he has a strange way to encourage me to show my vulnerability. He has a strange way to make me feel safe enough to feel again.

I had a hard time accepting myself but he accepts me in ways I couldn’t even do myself. He loves me in ways I couldn’t even imagine. I started to think that if there’s a person who could love me like that, then why couldn’t I love myself?

Now I can finally love myself, even just for a bit. And that’s because he showed me that someone could still love me for who I am, and accept me with my ugly side and dark past.

A, I love him. I love him so much. I thought I’ve become disinterested in falling in love and caring for someone. I thought my cold, dysfunctional heart would never be able to love someone again. Apparently, I was wrong. I’m falling in love with him. My love for him is real and I want to keep him in my life for as long as possible.

A, if you ever read this, please keep in mind that I’m grateful for everything that once we had. You’ll always be one of my good friends. Now I just want to let you know that I’m so happy with him and I hope you’re always happy too, wherever you are, with whoever she is.

Goodbye.

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Feelings, Relationship, Uncategorized

Feelings are Fleeting

It’s very possible to not entirely understand someone even after being together for a long period of time. One day you can read them like a book, next day you start questioning yourself why on earth did you even want to deal with this confusing human being in the first place. Understanding someone does take time, but time alone can’t be used as the only tool to measure how deep you understand someone. To some extent, indeed time can help you develop the sense of conformity and familiarity with that person, which sometimes can feel the same as understanding them. But to me, people are like bottomless pit, and no matter how long you’ve been with them there might always be something about them that you can’t quite fathom.

I’m a difficult person to understand. One day you could feel how much I care about you and the next day you’d start questioning what you possibly did wrong to me that made me push you away out of the blue. I’m unpredictable and unexpected. I’m not good at expressing my emotion, sometimes I doubt that I even possess it. My fears are somewhat irrational. My feelings for someone tend to change easily, no matter how strong they may appear to be. Sometimes I couldn’t get you off my mind. Sometimes I’m not sure if I ever really like you in the first place. Small things can completely change my mind about something. But hey, feelings are fleeting, they come and go, right? Right? It’s okay if you don’t feel the certain amount of love for someone like you did yesterday. It’s okay if the things that your partner did caused a momentary hesitation, making you wonder whether you should just end things right away or just stay.

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But you, you managed to understand me. At least I think so. We don’t speak the same language about almost everything but you still managed to understand me. At least that’s what I love to believe. I know you’re also a difficult person to understand. You’re a combination of perfectionist and idealist. You want things to work in a certain way. You keep seeking for better options, even when you already had me. Sometimes you came off as ungrateful. One day you said you’re scared of losing me, and the next day you acted as if you never cared about me at all. You hated me for being emotionless but you’re mad at me for showing a bit of jealousy. You made things went awry. You reminded me that feelings are fleeting.

But most importantly, you stayed. Thank you for that. You stayed for a quite long period of time in my life, for whatever reason. I’m bad at keeping relationship, but you stayed. It’s a good thing. It’s a good thing even though it eventually had to come to an end. I don’t regret it. You enriched my journey with your presence. You made me feel loved. I loved you. You’re one of those special people who shaped me into the person that I am today. And I do hope that I also leave a possitive impact in your life, no matter how tiny and insignificant it might seem. Maybe we both can hardly feel the love that once we shared. But the memories we made can’t be easily erased.

It doesn’t really matter whether the feeling is still there or has entirely vanished. All that matters is that I still want the best things for you. I want you to always be happy and healthy, to be successful in your passions, to achieve what you want to achieve, and to live the life you always dream of. Those are my wishes for you on your birthday. Hey, happy birthday. Today you’re 24. Time flies so fast. It’s been 4 years since the first time I said happy birthday to you. I know we never really celebrated our birthdays since it has never been our tradition to do that. You said you didn’t care about it. Me neither. No, not about you or your birthday, but the birthday celebration itself. I, however, still care about you, or I wouldn’t find it necessary to write this down for you.

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Feelings, Relationship

On Having Commitment Issue

When I was still a college girl, my home was merely a place to sleep, to store my stuffs, and to do my college tasks. Juggling between two different campuses with tons of tasks, practical works, and lab reports, there’s not so much that I could do. Forget all the most anticipated TV series, all the must-watch movies, not to mention all the books I added to the To-Read shelf on my goodreads. Young adults need to sleep for 7-9 hours per night, said The National Sleep Foundation. But to me, that was only imaginary. I was more than grateful to have 50% of it, or 60% tops if I managed to fall asleep on my way to home in Trans Jogja. Now that I’m not as busy as before, sometimes I find myself longing for the life I had before. Isn’t it human nature to want something that’s no longer there anymore? But there’s also a sense of relief that those sleepless nights are over.

Besides taking part in shaping me into the person I am today, my old routine somehow affected the way I interact with my family, close friends, boyfriend, or pretty much everyone around me. I rarely went out with my friends back then. With that little amount of spare time and even less amount of sacrifice I was willing to make, I became more picky in choosing whom I wanted to go out with and to whom I said yes to. I highly, highly appreciate the little time I could spend alone at home. I’m so sorry if the quote “nobody is too busy, It’s just a matter of priorities” might hurt your feelings.

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But the thing is, it’s not that I’m busy, not that I hate going out. In fact, I love going out as much as I love being at home. I love meeting people as much as I love being left alone. It’s just that I hate planning things that involves other people. I’m afraid of agreeing to dates several weeks in advance, knowing deep inside that I’m not sure whether I really want to go. But I also hate it if you suddenly ask me out, though. You’ll hear ‘maybe’ or ‘maybe not’ coming from me whenever I’m asked whether or not I will attend my friend’s wedding party. Basically, I have difficulties in saying “yes” to something, unless that something is strictly required of me. I’m sorry if I might come across as plain lazy and selfish.

Millions of people out there really go through a busy life. My life is pretty much nothing compared to them. And in the midst of their hectic schedule, they still manage to go out and socialize, taking time for their loved ones. Back to when I was still in college, I can count on one hand how many times I met my boyfriend in a year. I didn’t even bother to call him once in a week, let alone taking 3 hours long of train journey just to go to where he used to study. I never watched any of his basketball matches! All these situations were not caused by the lack of love that I have for him. It’s just that I wasn’t sure whether I could (or wanted to) visit him or not, so I didn’t promise him anything. And since I didn’t promise him anything, I never really attempted to do it.

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It’s already hard to be in a long distance relationship with normal people, let alone with problematic people like me. One day I may act normal and the next day I may avoid and ignore you. Have you heard about commitment issue, or if not, commitment phobia? According to Psychology Today, it’s a fear of any kind of commitment that involves other people, not just relationship commitment. And with this fear, I never thought there would be someone who wants to stay, someone whom I willingly allow to stay long enough in my life. I never thought that sometimes I even want to go the extra miles to please him, to promise him that I will change self and actually doing it (or so, I think). Normally I tend to push people away. I end something before it begins. Some people left me, and I was only briefly sad but mainly relieved.

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Fun fact: people with commitment issue still can be in a relationship. We want closeness that comes with being with someone. We like the comfort that comes with knowing that someone loves you even after knowing how shit you are. It’s just that we don’t see things long term and prefer living by the saying “we’ll see where it goes”. And as far as I can remember, that’s what we both said when we decided to be whatever we are now. I don’t know whether he has commitment issue as well or he’s simply not sure that I’m the one he’s been looking for. But knowing that he probably won’t be there till the end is what reduces the amount of pressure that comes when I think of committing long term. But of course I do hope that he’s gonna stay as long as possible because he’s the answer to my prayer that I prayed to God on my sophomore year. He’s like Jimmy to my Gretchen (please watch them on You’re The Worst, one of my favorite TV series), but not as worse as him, of course. And I’m sort of thankful that at some point he’s just as bad as I am when it comes to being in a relationship, so I’m not really the worst here. If I’m an asshole and then I meet another asshole, me being asshole is sort of okay.

By the way 2018 is only 4 days away! How will I overcome all the problems in me? Are we still gonna be together? Or are we moving towards different direction? Well, let’s see where it goes.

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Feelings, Opinion, Relationship

I’m a Trash Texter

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pict source: pexels.com

Judging by the amount of time I spend to check my instagram, double-tapping on good photos on my timeline, and seeing almost every insta story of people that I follow (minus those accounts that I muted), I won’t be surprised if anyone thinks that I have a lot of spare time, that I’m on my phone all the time, that I always reply to messages immediately, that I always pick up every incoming calls, or that I’m only one text or call away when you need someone to talk to. Well, it’s partly right. Sometimes I do reply to a message in a blink of the eye. But please keep in mind that sometimes I also turn off my Line notification so I don’t know I receive a new message. Sometimes I have works to do so I can’t check my phone every two minutes. And sometimes I don’t even bother to reply to an incoming message that doesn’t need an immediate answer and choose to stall to the point where I forget to reply to it.

Additional information to make everything sounds more convincing and dramatic: sometimes  I don’t reply to my boyfriend’s message for a week or more. No, we’re not in a fight or anything, I still tag him on a meme. That’s purely me craving for my own personal space to breathe and for temporarily solitude. Even if you’re my boyfriend and I’m crazy about you, I still need space away from you.

Texting –and talking to people as well– can be so stressful sometimes, especially for someone who easily gets sidetracked doing other things. I often read a text, and then get distracted and forget to reply until a few hours later. If you consider that as a sign for how I am in other aspects of life, well, you’re right. My mind is constantly bouncing around. I know this behavior can cause problems. Some of my friends who don’t know me really well once thought that I ignored them. This mostly happens after seeing my last seen on whatsapp and seeing that grey check mark has changed into blue while they still left with no response, or after knowing that I liked a post on instagram. And to minimize the minunderstandings, I turned off the read receipt and last seen on my whatsapp. Gosh, I can’t believe I had to do that. Social media has unfortunately given us all sorts of reasons to be anxious about things that are probably non-issues. The reality is, you don’t have to respond to a text right away and we have a right to respond when we feel like it, right?

We tend to change a bit when we have a new partner. We try to adjust to their habits. One day, you find yourself binge-watch an entire season of Shameless because your boyfriend loves that serial (lol that’s my favorite, he’s into k-drama actually). You attempt to learn about basketball because your boyfriend happened to be a basketball player (even though I never really tried to get to know more of it as well, sorry babe). You try to reply to his text as fast as you can because he’ll double texts you, or bombard you with 20+ messages if you don’t respond within 5 minutes. You always pick up his phone calls every night to listen to his story even though you’re way too sleepy to function. To be very honest, I’ve never been that kind of person, especially the latter. I will be out of breath within the first week. Communicating continuously with someone is never my strongest suit. And constantly bugging me to reply to your texts isn’t endearing at all. It’s not going to magically transform me into a textpert, it’s just going to really really make me want to stop talking to you.

There are lots of people out there who are awesome at responding to messages in a timely manner. I’m simply not one of them. I’m a trash texter according to buzzfeed quiz that I took just now. But it’s not that I try to ignore people.  I’m just forgetful and lazy, when it comes to communicating. Sometimes I don’t know what to reply. I don’t know the answer and I need more time to think of it. Every best friend, beloved family member, boyfriend, and ex-boyfriend has seen my horrible texting habits firsthand, so you’re not the first to receive a few hours of silence after sending me a message. It’s really nothing personal; it’s just who I am, and whether you consider it a flaw or a virtue, it’s a part of me you’ll have to deal with if you want to be my friend. But if you really need me, I will try my best to respond to you as fast as possible.

 

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