Uncategorized

A Closure

Hello A,

How are you? I don’t know what you’ve been up to recently, but I’d always love to imagine you somewhere being happy with the life that you live, because that’s how I want you to always be.

I’m not one to share my feeling and thought to you. You know that, right? And now that a few things have changed between us, it’d be weird if I suddenly reach out to you and tell you things that happened in my life after you’re gone because…it’s not your business anymore. Duh. So from now on, my post will no longer be about you. And as a closure for what had ended between us, let me tell you something that has just begun in my life.

A, I met someone. He’s nice, funny, and has the best heart. He has a mysterious way of making me feel safe. Safety; it’s something that I had been searching for so long in a person, and I didn’t find it elsewhere before him. Can you imagine how ecstatic I am to have met him? Well, maybe ecstatic is an understatement. I’m a firm believer that without the feeling of safety, you will never be able to open up and be the true version of yourself in front of your partner. And he, with everything he has, makes me feel safe. That’s a good thing, right?

I used to be scared of opening up myself to others. The concept of letting someone see the ugly side of me is really terrifying. Maybe that’s why I always pushed away those who tried to get to know me better. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t that open to anyone about my very personal issue. I was too scared to do all that. But he, he has a strange way to encourage me to show my vulnerability. He has a strange way to make me feel safe enough to feel again.

I had a hard time accepting myself but he accepts me in ways I couldn’t even do myself. He loves me in ways I couldn’t even imagine. I started to think that if there’s a person who could love me like that, then why couldn’t I love myself?

Now I can finally love myself, even just for a bit. And that’s because he showed me that someone could still love me for who I am, and accept me with my ugly side and dark past.

A, I love him. I love him so much. I thought I’ve become disinterested in falling in love and caring for someone. I thought my cold, dysfunctional heart would never be able to love someone again. Apparently, I was wrong. I’m falling in love with him. My love for him is real and I want to keep him in my life for as long as possible.

A, if you ever read this, please keep in mind that I’m grateful for everything that once we had. You’ll always be one of my good friends. Now I just want to let you know that I’m so happy with him and I hope you’re always happy too, wherever you are, with whoever she is.

Goodbye.

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Feelings, Relationship, Uncategorized

Feelings are Fleeting

It’s very possible to not entirely understand someone even after being together for a long period of time. One day you can read them like a book, next day you start questioning yourself why on earth did you even want to deal with this confusing human being in the first place. Understanding someone does take time, but time alone can’t be used as the only tool to measure how deep you understand someone. To some extent, indeed time can help you develop the sense of conformity and familiarity with that person, which sometimes can feel the same as understanding them. But to me, people are like bottomless pit, and no matter how long you’ve been with them there might always be something about them that you can’t quite fathom.

I’m a difficult person to understand. One day you could feel how much I care about you and the next day you’d start questioning what you possibly did wrong to me that made me push you away out of the blue. I’m unpredictable and unexpected. I’m not good at expressing my emotion, sometimes I doubt that I even possess it. My fears are somewhat irrational. My feelings for someone tend to change easily, no matter how strong they may appear to be. Sometimes I couldn’t get you off my mind. Sometimes I’m not sure if I ever really like you in the first place. Small things can completely change my mind about something. But hey, feelings are fleeting, they come and go, right? Right? It’s okay if you don’t feel the certain amount of love for someone like you did yesterday. It’s okay if the things that your partner did caused a momentary hesitation, making you wonder whether you should just end things right away or just stay.

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But you, you managed to understand me. At least I think so. We don’t speak the same language about almost everything but you still managed to understand me. At least that’s what I love to believe. I know you’re also a difficult person to understand. You’re a combination of perfectionist and idealist. You want things to work in a certain way. You keep seeking for better options, even when you already had me. Sometimes you came off as ungrateful. One day you said you’re scared of losing me, and the next day you acted as if you never cared about me at all. You hated me for being emotionless but you’re mad at me for showing a bit of jealousy. You made things went awry. You reminded me that feelings are fleeting.

But most importantly, you stayed. Thank you for that. You stayed for a quite long period of time in my life, for whatever reason. I’m bad at keeping relationship, but you stayed. It’s a good thing. It’s a good thing even though it eventually had to come to an end. I don’t regret it. You enriched my journey with your presence. You made me feel loved. I loved you. You’re one of those special people who shaped me into the person that I am today. And I do hope that I also leave a possitive impact in your life, no matter how tiny and insignificant it might seem. Maybe we both can hardly feel the love that once we shared. But the memories we made can’t be easily erased.

It doesn’t really matter whether the feeling is still there or has entirely vanished. All that matters is that I still want the best things for you. I want you to always be happy and healthy, to be successful in your passions, to achieve what you want to achieve, and to live the life you always dream of. Those are my wishes for you on your birthday. Hey, happy birthday. Today you’re 24. Time flies so fast. It’s been 4 years since the first time I said happy birthday to you. I know we never really celebrated our birthdays since it has never been our tradition to do that. You said you didn’t care about it. Me neither. No, not about you or your birthday, but the birthday celebration itself. I, however, still care about you, or I wouldn’t find it necessary to write this down for you.

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