Feelings, Opinion, Uncategorized

On Maintaining Friendship

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It’s been so long since the last time I had a meaningful conversation with my friends, especially the ones I used to be close with. I’m not gonna play victim and act as if they treated me so bad and left me behind. In fact, I’ve been acting distant lately, and perhaps so have they. It’s safe to say that I have no faintest idea of how they’re doing if it’s not with the help of Instagram and Twitter. Social media indeed has strange way of making us feel like we still know each other’s life when in reality we barely do anymore.

To begin with, in the past several months I haven’t reached out to some of my friends and haven’t replied to their messages to the point where they might assume I ignored them on purpose. Maybe in a way I did, but not to all of them. Relax. I’m a horrible friend and seriously screwed up. I’m really sorry for that. I’m sorry that things haven’t been so great lately. I might come off as uncaring and selfish. I won’t be surprised if some of them no longer consider me as their friends. I get it. I can’t expect anyone to stick by me when I don’t do my best to keep in touch with them and give them the attention they deserve to get.

Friendships are fragile and require active maintenance, or they’ll die. I guess I’ve let it happen more than once. I started to read some articles about how to maintain a friendship so maybe I can still save the remaining friends that I think I still have. Keeping in touch is said to be the fundamental aspect of it, especially when it comes to maintaining a long lasting friendship. It sounds pretty doable though, but I don’t know how to do it. The people I’ve been best friends with until now are the kind of low maintenance friends, and I’m also a low maintenance friend. We don’t always talk to each other every day. We could go months without seeing each other. But we always give the reassurance that we still have each other.

As a trash texter with mild depression, it’s hard to imagine what I have to do to keep the friendship alive when the very basic thing like reaching out to friends, responding back to their messages, or making phone calls can feel so overwhelming sometimes. My close friends came from various background with various upbringing. Each of them carries different set of personality. I have friend whom I can do crazy things together, and I have friends whom I can sit for hours doing nothing but enjoying each other’s company while telling about our secrets. As much as they seem to be diametrically oppisosite, they’re very understanding towards my habit. They never call me out for being not fun when I’m not really up to do anything. That’s the kind of friends that I need in my 20s. I’m only two years away from quarter life crisis so I’m constantly trying to avoid the gravity to fall into it while preparing myself for the probability of experiencing it. No wonder I’m always exhausted.

Talking to my friends has tremendous benefits for my health and psychological well being, as well as broaden my knowledge and perspective. But the crux of the matter is, what kind of friends? Obviously not the ones who drain my energy, make me feel uncomfortable, guilty, insecure, and remind me of all the things I don’t want to be associated with anymore. Even though I’ve forgotten about why I stopped talking to certain people, not all of it was due to some major or minor problems. Sometimes it just happened. We lost the interest to continue the conversation, we started to reply a little longer than usual and finally we never heard anything from each other until our birthday –if we both happened to know each other’s birthday and remember it.

Humans are changing throughout life. The friends you used to do crazy things together apparently have changed and no longer into it. They friends you used to see eye to eye might no longer be on the same page as you about everything, or no longer share the same interest, value, and point of view, which later cause the friendship to be no longer enjoyable. The friends whom you used to stay up late with and talk about everything became person you no longer feel comfortable to spill your guts to.

After witnessing the end of my friendship with a few people, I came to realization that not all friendships are meant to last forever, no matter how good it used to be. Sometimes things are better left as mere memories. We aren’t meant to keep every friend we make, sometimes their chapter in your life is done because they only belong to certain version of yourself. Maybe someday they will end up showing up again in another chapters of your life.

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Feelings, Opinion, Uncategorized

Day 2: Things I Like and Dislike About Myself

Hey, I’m back to continue this challenge. I’m going to write down some of the things that I like and dislike about myself. I thought I’d do this challenge to help me appreciate the good things in me, not in an arrogant way but simply in a self respecting way, since it has been something that I’ve been struggling with my whole life. And I’m also going to write some of the things I dislike about myself, in the hope that in the near future I can do something to change that, or perhaps find a way to accept that. Knowing what you like and dislike about yourself is a very important basic key when it comes to improving yourself. Strengthen your strengths and change what needs to be changed. And in order to do that, you have to know what kind of person that you are.

Here are four things that I like about myself:

  1. I’m generally a positive-thinking person, and I always try to see the good in every situation, especially in the most difficult one. It’s never that simple, but it doesn’t have to be all that complicated either. It can be started from trying to be the least judgemental that I can become and keep myself surrounded by people who believe in staying positive.
  2. I forgive; always. I don’t hold on to grudges. I just want to live, learn, and move forward.
  3. I’m a good listener and a good problem solver, at least that’s what my friends told me. Perhaps that’s what makes them come back to me when they’re facing a problem.
  4. I’m quite independent and I can enjoy time by myself. I think I’ve mentioned a couple times about this in my older posts.

And now it’s time to write down what I dislike about myself, but i’ll try to include the positive things in them instead of merely mentioning them.

  1. Sometimes I give up too easily. I don’t always finish the things that I start and it can be a problem. The main reason I said that is because I haven’t finished my law degree. But if I try to look at the bigger picture, there are many things that I finished and achieved, like finishing my animal science degree in 4 years and two months, so it’s not entirely true. Instead of letting it defines who I am, I’d like to call it as a process that I have to go through in order to know who I want to be and what I really love. But however, I still need to be more resposible whenever I choose to start something.
  2. I’m sort of reluctant to ask for help even when I need it. I usually just accept the help when it’s offered. I like to help people but I don’t like to ask for one. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense. But fortunately, I’m SO blessed to have friends who care enough to offer help. Honestly, I don’t know whether it is something that I’m supposed to like or dislike, not sure if it’s shame, selfishness, or stupidity. But since some of my friends complained about it, I think it’s something that needs to be changed.
  3. Sometimes I still unconsciously compare myself with others. I know it’s human nature to always compare yourself and to see that the grass is always greener on the other side, but it doesn’t make it okay to keep doing that. It’s toxic. That’s why I always keep telling myself to focus on improving myself rather than feeling sad due to my bad habit of comparing myself with others.
  4. My commitment issue and how I always tend to push people away when they get too close with me. I’d like to think that it has something to do with my depression. Or maybe I’m such a shit person on the inside.

That’s that. I could write up to five or more things if I wanted to, but those things I wrote above are enough to represent me. 

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Feelings

What Anxiety Feels Like For Me

Everyone feels anxious from time to time. In fact, it is very normal to feel anxious in some situations like when having a job interview, talking in front of a large group of people, having exam and a lot of tasks in the same week, making important decisions, or maybe as simple as meeting your new friends from Tinder for the first time. Everyone experiences anxiety differently. Some people just simply feel anxious in certain situation and will go away in time. Anxiety is a normal response to stress or danger. In fact, it can help you stay vigilant and focused, and motivate you to finish your task or solve your problem.

So, what is the difference between normal anxiety and an anxiety disorder? Not all problem anxiety can be said as an anxiety disorder. But when anxiety is overwhelming and affecting your daily life, stop you from being functional, lower your life quality, make you incapable of living your life normally, and lead you into a new problem, then you might be suffering an anxiety disorders and you better get it checked. It’s not right to diagnose yourself because only a mental health professional is qualified to diagnose you with a mental health disorder. I went to a psychiatrist too. It doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means I have good concern with my health.

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Sometimes you hear about someone having anxiety or an anxiety disorder, but you might have a hard time imagining it. If you haven’t had it yourself, it’s hard to imagine what anxiety means to someone with an anxiety disorder.

Everyone has the same capability of developing their anxiety into anxiety disorder, but not everyone suffers anxiety disorder. Anxiety affects people in different ways and to different degrees. I feel anxious too from time to time. Sometimes I feel anxious over small things like when I haven’t finished my lab report that should be submitted tomorrow, when people become distant from me, when people don’t reply to my message, or when people look at me in an uncomfortable way. But that’s just the kind of things that I consider as a normal anxiety.

I ever felt anxious in a larger scale. That was when some people saying such things as “you’re never good enough for anyone” “you’re not special, you have nothing i can be proud of” “you’re too skinny, no guy will like you” “you’re incapable of doing anything right” “she is better than you” “why can’t you be like her?” “you never changed! you’re still as miserable as you were 3 years ago” “you have to enlarge your tits and ass” “why do I have to speak loudly to you? can’t you hear me? you must be deaf” to me. I experience anxiety as a result of grief and poor confidence in myself. I often spend my night thinking and believing how worthless and useless I’ve always been all this time. I cry myself to sleep. I cry for no apparent reason. I feel as if nobody’s going to love me, because I am me. People would leave me because I am me. People would never accept the miserable me. People would hate me because I hate myself too. That kind of condition has happened to me a few times since last year and still  continue to happen several times this year.

There was time in July when I told myself to finish my thesis. But instead of writing it, I spent my night crying. I don’t remember why, neither know the reason but the thing I remember is: I woke up in that morning feeling drowsy because I cried all night long. My eyes were swollen and my head was dizzy. It was so hard to get out of the bed. I didn’t want to do anything, let alone going out and meeting people. I was afraid that people would look at me in disgust. I was afraid that people would ask me questions that might hurt me or comment about how shit my appearance was. Sometimes I couldn’t sleep at all, and in other time I sleep too much. I cancelled my plaand I didn’t help my dad at home and he got mad at me for being such a lazy bum. I finally told him that I was sick but he didn’t seem to believe it at first, because  my body temperature wasn’t high, and my face wasn’t pale. On the outside, I looked like I do every day. I seemed so healthy. I was awake, alive and breathing fine. Nothing seemed wrong.

That’s the thing about anxiety. I look fine. Of course, I look fine. I’m not cut or bruised. Because anxiety is not a physical disability. That however, doesn’t make it any less debilitating. Anxiety is nothing to simply smile and nod away. Telling me everything is okay doesn’t help me, it hurts me more because nobody seems to take it seriously. Anxiety will not last forever. It might always live inside me but it won’t always attack me 24/7. There are days when I can make it through without feeling anxious. I can smile and laugh. I can be productive, go out to dinner, watch a movie with my friends. And trust me, I know how difficult it is to understand how I can be fine one day and the next, not be able to get out of bed. That’s just how it is. I don’t want it. I don’t want any of this to happen.

Do you really think that if I had a choice I’d choose to let down the people who care with me because I can’t handle a simple outing? Do you think that I want to be so afraid to get out of bed that instead I cry to Me Before You for 12 hours straight in a row? Probably not. Would you choose that? Doubtful. Do you think it’s completely alright for me to see how my friendship and relationship were destroyed by this condition? I sadly have experienced both, and it is the most devastating kind of loss so far. Why? Because it’s not my fault.

So when you tell me that I’m being dramatic or lazy and just looking for attention, take a second and think about what you’re saying to me. Nobody, I repeat nobody, wants this. When I say “I have anxiety” here is what I really mean. Please bear with me. Support me. Know that everything I do, I’m thinking about how it effects you. I might not be easy to have in your life, but if you let me, I will always be there for you. I will never forget the way you held on when most people would leave me.

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