Feelings, Relationship, Uncategorized

Feelings are Fleeting

It’s very possible to not entirely understand someone even after being together for a long period of time. One day you can read them like a book, next day you start questioning yourself why on earth did you even want to deal with this confusing human being in the first place. Understanding someone does take time, but time alone can’t be used as the only tool to measure how deep you understand someone. To some extent, indeed time can help you develop the sense of conformity and familiarity with that person, which sometimes can feel the same as understanding them. But to me, people are like bottomless pit, and no matter how long you’ve been with them there might always be something about them that you can’t quite fathom.

I’m a difficult person to understand. One day you could feel how much I care about you and the next day you’d start questioning what you possibly did wrong to me that made me push you away out of the blue. I’m unpredictable and unexpected. I’m not good at expressing my emotion, sometimes I doubt that I even possess it. My fears are somewhat irrational. My feelings for someone tend to change easily, no matter how strong they may appear to be. Sometimes I couldn’t get you off my mind. Sometimes I’m not sure if I ever really like you in the first place. Small things can completely change my mind about something. But hey, feelings are fleeting, they come and go, right? Right? It’s okay if you don’t feel the certain amount of love for someone like you did yesterday. It’s okay if the things that your partner did caused a momentary hesitation, making you wonder whether you should just end things right away or just stay.

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But you, you managed to understand me. At least I think so. We don’t speak the same language about almost everything but you still managed to understand me. At least that’s what I love to believe. I know you’re also a difficult person to understand. You’re a combination of perfectionist and idealist. You want things to work in a certain way. You keep seeking for better options, even when you already had me. Sometimes you came off as ungrateful. One day you said you’re scared of losing me, and the next day you acted as if you never cared about me at all. You hated me for being emotionless but you’re mad at me for showing a bit of jealousy. You made things went awry. You reminded me that feelings are fleeting.

But most importantly, you stayed. Thank you for that. You stayed for a quite long period of time in my life, for whatever reason. I’m bad at keeping relationship, but you stayed. It’s a good thing. It’s a good thing even though it eventually had to come to an end. I don’t regret it. You enriched my journey with your presence. You made me feel loved. I loved you. You’re one of those special people who shaped me into the person that I am today. And I do hope that I also leave a possitive impact in your life, no matter how tiny and insignificant it might seem. Maybe we both can hardly feel the love that once we shared. But the memories we made can’t be easily erased.

It doesn’t really matter whether the feeling is still there or has entirely vanished. All that matters is that I still want the best things for you. I want you to always be happy and healthy, to be successful in your passions, to achieve what you want to achieve, and to live the life you always dream of. Those are my wishes for you on your birthday. Hey, happy birthday. Today you’re 24. Time flies so fast. It’s been 4 years since the first time I said happy birthday to you. I know we never really celebrated our birthdays since it has never been our tradition to do that. You said you didn’t care about it. Me neither. No, not about you or your birthday, but the birthday celebration itself. I, however, still care about you, or I wouldn’t find it necessary to write this down for you.

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Feelings, Relationship

On Having Commitment Issue

When I was still a college girl, my home was merely a place to sleep, to store my stuffs, and to do my college tasks. Juggling between two different campuses with tons of tasks, practical works, and lab reports, there’s not so much that I could do. Forget all the most anticipated TV series, all the must-watch movies, not to mention all the books I added to the To-Read shelf on my goodreads. Young adults need to sleep for 7-9 hours per night, said The National Sleep Foundation. But to me, that was only imaginary. I was more than grateful to have 50% of it, or 60% tops if I managed to fall asleep on my way to home in Trans Jogja. Now that I’m not as busy as before, sometimes I find myself longing for the life I had before. Isn’t it human nature to want something that’s no longer there anymore? But there’s also a sense of relief that those sleepless nights are over.

Besides taking part in shaping me into the person I am today, my old routine somehow affected the way I interact with my family, close friends, boyfriend, or pretty much everyone around me. I rarely went out with my friends back then. With that little amount of spare time and even less amount of sacrifice I was willing to make, I became more picky in choosing whom I wanted to go out with and to whom I said yes to. I highly, highly appreciate the little time I could spend alone at home. I’m so sorry if the quote “nobody is too busy, It’s just a matter of priorities” might hurt your feelings.

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But the thing is, it’s not that I’m busy, not that I hate going out. In fact, I love going out as much as I love being at home. I love meeting people as much as I love being left alone. It’s just that I hate planning things that involves other people. I’m afraid of agreeing to dates several weeks in advance, knowing deep inside that I’m not sure whether I really want to go. But I also hate it if you suddenly ask me out, though. You’ll hear ‘maybe’ or ‘maybe not’ coming from me whenever I’m asked whether or not I will attend my friend’s wedding party. Basically, I have difficulties in saying “yes” to something, unless that something is strictly required of me. I’m sorry if I might come across as plain lazy and selfish.

Millions of people out there really go through a busy life. My life is pretty much nothing compared to them. And in the midst of their hectic schedule, they still manage to go out and socialize, taking time for their loved ones. Back to when I was still in college, I can count on one hand how many times I met my boyfriend in a year. I didn’t even bother to call him once in a week, let alone taking 3 hours long of train journey just to go to where he used to study. I never watched any of his basketball matches! All these situations were not caused by the lack of love that I have for him. It’s just that I wasn’t sure whether I could (or wanted to) visit him or not, so I didn’t promise him anything. And since I didn’t promise him anything, I never really attempted to do it.

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It’s already hard to be in a long distance relationship with normal people, let alone with problematic people like me. One day I may act normal and the next day I may avoid and ignore you. Have you heard about commitment issue, or if not, commitment phobia? According to Psychology Today, it’s a fear of any kind of commitment that involves other people, not just relationship commitment. And with this fear, I never thought there would be someone who wants to stay, someone whom I willingly allow to stay long enough in my life. I never thought that sometimes I even want to go the extra miles to please him, to promise him that I will change self and actually doing it (or so, I think). Normally I tend to push people away. I end something before it begins. Some people left me, and I was only briefly sad but mainly relieved.

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Fun fact: people with commitment issue still can be in a relationship. We want closeness that comes with being with someone. We like the comfort that comes with knowing that someone loves you even after knowing how shit you are. It’s just that we don’t see things long term and prefer living by the saying “we’ll see where it goes”. And as far as I can remember, that’s what we both said when we decided to be whatever we are now. I don’t know whether he has commitment issue as well or he’s simply not sure that I’m the one he’s been looking for. But knowing that he probably won’t be there till the end is what reduces the amount of pressure that comes when I think of committing long term. But of course I do hope that he’s gonna stay as long as possible because he’s the answer to my prayer that I prayed to God on my sophomore year. He’s like Jimmy to my Gretchen (please watch them on You’re The Worst, one of my favorite TV series), but not as worse as him, of course. And I’m sort of thankful that at some point he’s just as bad as I am when it comes to being in a relationship, so I’m not really the worst here. If I’m an asshole and then I meet another asshole, me being asshole is sort of okay.

By the way 2018 is only 4 days away! How will I overcome all the problems in me? Are we still gonna be together? Or are we moving towards different direction? Well, let’s see where it goes.

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Feelings, Opinion, Relationship

I’m a Trash Texter

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pict source: pexels.com

Judging by the amount of time I spend to check my instagram, double-tapping on good photos on my timeline, and seeing almost every insta story of people that I follow (minus those accounts that I muted), I won’t be surprised if anyone thinks that I have a lot of spare time, that I’m on my phone all the time, that I always reply to messages immediately, that I always pick up every incoming calls, or that I’m only one text or call away when you need someone to talk to. Well, it’s partly right. Sometimes I do reply to a message in a blink of the eye. But please keep in mind that sometimes I also turn off my Line notification so I don’t know I receive a new message. Sometimes I have works to do so I can’t check my phone every two minutes. And sometimes I don’t even bother to reply to an incoming message that doesn’t need an immediate answer and choose to stall to the point where I forget to reply to it.

Additional information to make everything sounds more convincing and dramatic: sometimes  I don’t reply to my boyfriend’s message for a week or more. No, we’re not in a fight or anything, I still tag him on a meme. That’s purely me craving for my own personal space to breathe and for temporarily solitude. Even if you’re my boyfriend and I’m crazy about you, I still need space away from you.

Texting –and talking to people as well– can be so stressful sometimes, especially for someone who easily gets sidetracked doing other things. I often read a text, and then get distracted and forget to reply until a few hours later. If you consider that as a sign for how I am in other aspects of life, well, you’re right. My mind is constantly bouncing around. I know this behavior can cause problems. Some of my friends who don’t know me really well once thought that I ignored them. This mostly happens after seeing my last seen on whatsapp and seeing that grey check mark has changed into blue while they still left with no response, or after knowing that I liked a post on instagram. And to minimize the minunderstandings, I turned off the read receipt and last seen on my whatsapp. Gosh, I can’t believe I had to do that. Social media has unfortunately given us all sorts of reasons to be anxious about things that are probably non-issues. The reality is, you don’t have to respond to a text right away and we have a right to respond when we feel like it, right?

We tend to change a bit when we have a new partner. We try to adjust to their habits. One day, you find yourself binge-watch an entire season of Shameless because your boyfriend loves that serial (lol that’s my favorite, he’s into k-drama actually). You attempt to learn about basketball because your boyfriend happened to be a basketball player (even though I never really tried to get to know more of it as well, sorry babe). You try to reply to his text as fast as you can because he’ll double texts you, or bombard you with 20+ messages if you don’t respond within 5 minutes. You always pick up his phone calls every night to listen to his story even though you’re way too sleepy to function. To be very honest, I’ve never been that kind of person, especially the latter. I will be out of breath within the first week. Communicating continuously with someone is never my strongest suit. And constantly bugging me to reply to your texts isn’t endearing at all. It’s not going to magically transform me into a textpert, it’s just going to really really make me want to stop talking to you.

There are lots of people out there who are awesome at responding to messages in a timely manner. I’m simply not one of them. I’m a trash texter according to buzzfeed quiz that I took just now. But it’s not that I try to ignore people.  I’m just forgetful and lazy, when it comes to communicating. Sometimes I don’t know what to reply. I don’t know the answer and I need more time to think of it. Every best friend, beloved family member, boyfriend, and ex-boyfriend has seen my horrible texting habits firsthand, so you’re not the first to receive a few hours of silence after sending me a message. It’s really nothing personal; it’s just who I am, and whether you consider it a flaw or a virtue, it’s a part of me you’ll have to deal with if you want to be my friend. But if you really need me, I will try my best to respond to you as fast as possible.

 

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Feelings, Opinion, Relationship, Uncategorized

You Might Want To Read This Before Throwing Yourself Into Casual Dating

I’ve read so many articles about hook-up culture. I even downloaded some reviews and thesis (I’m not kidding) related to it. Some of them say that we need to kill hook-up culture and some say go for it. Why should our glorious culture of casual sex be eradicated? According to one article, hook-up culture is destroying intimacy and making it difficult for us to fall in love. I know that many people view sex as an intimate connection with the person you love, but there are also a group of people who want to enjoy themselves without the emotional burden coming with relationships.

I know sometimes we get feelings for our partner after kissing, hugging, let alone having sex. But for the most part that’s hormonal thing. Women release more oxytocin aka the bonding hormone while men release more dopamine aka the pleasure hormone; that’s why it makes women fall in love more and makes men want sex more. You ever read that stuff, right? That feeling more often than not is not love. There are countless things people confuse for love: dependency, hormones, attraction, lust, expectation, an idea rather than a reality. Many people are buying into the idea that women are prone to mix emotions and fucking, but NO, we’re not, we’re just like men, we can separate the two, I promise. Let’s make a promise.

Blaming the hook-up culture for a lack of commitment is unfair. There are people who want relationships, and there are people who don’t. The people want to hook-up or keep it casual are not the problem; the lack of communication between the individual is the problem. Instead of fighting to end the hook-up culture, we should work on figuring out what we want from our own interactions. Do you want a relationship? Wait for it. Do you want to have sex without the intention of dating? Go for it. You have every right to.

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Figuring out what you want from your interactions with someone is imporant. Ask yourself, why do you want to have sex with someone? Are you trying to have a little fun, or feel lonely? You need to know what you want because it will affect how attached you get to someone. Be honest with yourself to prevent confusion in the aftermath of the hook-up. Hooking-up without developing feeling is easier if you just want to have some fun and to fulfill your sexual needs. Hooking-up because you’re lonely, heartbroken, or hurting will bring you to unwanted attraction and attachment.

People have always screwed people over from time to time when it comes to sex. The difference between then and now is that now it’s socially acceptable to be in control of your sexuality. It’s no longer taboo to talk about sex and to have sex with someone. Nowadays, some women are tend to be more sexually liberated, which means that we’re willing to respect different sexual behaviours of people. Whether someone is heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, whether someone is comfortable with casual dating (friends with benefit, one night stand) or with sexual relationships only while being in love, or sexual relationships only after long term relationship, or even sexual relations only after marriage. And I have no problem too with people finding casual sex unattractive, but thinking it means something unsavory about a person’s character is not okay. The assumption that it means something bad about that person, their personality, their views on relationships without knowing those things is shitty.

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Many people jump in this casual relationship thing without any preparations whether they can handle this kind of messy, fucked-up relationship-but-not-really-a-relationship relationship. You know what I mean? Some people think that after several hook-ups they can change their partner’s mind and you two will be like Justin Timberlake and Milla Kunis from the Friends with Benefits movie at the end of the day. Goddamn stop it! Friends-with-benefits are the kind of relationship where you don’t want to expect anything. Don’t expect them to offer you to spend the night with them, or a ‘good morning! Did you have your breakfast already?’ kind of text. They have no obligations to make you feel special on your birthday or comfort you on your down moments as they are not your romantic partner. They’re not obliged to fix you nor they are the missing puzzle in your life. 

The thing you need to know about casual relationships is that you can’t force anyone to feel something they don’t. You can’t force anyone into a relationship when they clearly don’t want to be in one. It’s not their fault if you fall for them. It’s not their fault you want a relationship when they told you up front that they didn’t want to be serious. Don’t be naive to think you could change their mind. Don’t be ignorant to think that you could be the one to masterfully change the course of casual relationships. The person you’re hooking-up with might be a really good kisser, or really funny, or remind you of your ex minus all the stuff you didn’t like. But he’s also the same person who agreed to keep it casual. The one who suggests “keeping it casual” is probably not going to be the one to fall in love with you a month from now. There’s 50:50 chance that one or both of you might fall for another in the end but just don’t expect it to happen. Remember the ground rule.

Like what I said, casual relationship isn’t for everyone and you have to think twice about it. If you can’t imagine yourself doing it, that’s okay. If in the middle of it you want to stop, let them know. Your partner and you have to be on the same page. That’s the rule. It’s also important to make sure that both parties agree to not expect more out of it. Don’t agree to things in hope you can change his or her mind in the future or under the assumption that casual is just a stepping stone to boyfriend or girlfriend status. If you want a real relationship but the feeling isn’t mutual because he wants to keep it casual, just learn to walk away if they aren’t going to give you what you need. Don’t expect him to change his mind by hooking-up with him. Don’t accuse him of using you. You use each other. Don’t feel bad for not being loved in return. 

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Feelings, Marriage, Opinion, Relationship

Getting Married: Sometimes I Want It, Sometimes I Don’t

It’s only six days away from 2017 and it seems like everybody has made new year’s resolution. Well, except me. I’m too busy dealing with this crippling anxiety, so my only resolution is to be mentally healthy again. And instead of making new year resolution, I made a few list of things I want to do in the next three years, and not a single thing has to do with marriage. Please don’t kill me, ok.

So, some of my friends are getting engaged, married, or just into serious relationships. A catch up with my friends over coffee turned into a bet on who will get married first. Like every girl, I would swoon for my friends who found Mr. Right. Like when one of my friend got engaged a few weeks ago. Her instagram was filled with the engagement pictures. I was torn between feelings “aww, finally, I’m so happy for them, I can’t wait to get married too!” and “ewww! Why are people getting married? You make my skin crawl. I’m going to throw up if I see one more post about engagement.” Why am I so bipolar when it comes to marriage?

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It’s weird how sometimes I want to get married but then sometimes I don’t. Most of my friends told me the point of being in a relationship is to finally get married with your partner. I don’t know how to keep my relationship, let alone bring myself into whatever more serious than just being in a relationship. When it comes to committing to someone in marriage, however, I feel a deep knot of anxiety in my stomach. Marriage is for life, man! I get crippling anxiety over what I’m about to order in Starbucks, let alone who I’m going to be stuck with for the rest of my life. Marriage is a scary concept. It’s a blend of fears, sadness, and goodness. It’s never really knowing what is going to happen in your life, but still you trust someone so much that you want them to be around for many years to come, or as they said, forever. It’s knowing there is a chance of feelings fade and love lost, but you’re saying you won’t give up. Among the “I do’s” and wedding cakes, among the decorations and the gown, among the smiles on everyone’s faces, there is more. There is forever. How long is forever? That’s a pretty long time. I could feel my skin crawling as I imagined forever.

Having a family with someone I love is important to me. But love is not enough to sustain a long term relationship as substantial as marriage. Love should definitely be the foundation of your marriage, but love alone is not enough and will lead to failure and ultimately divorce. I understand the concept that marriage means sacrifice and compromise. But somehow, it frightens me to know there are things I’m going to have to do that I will not want to do, in order to make my marriage work. And I know that marriage means handling all that, as well as the life of someone else. Not to mention children, if you’re eventually going to have them. Sometimes I feel so confused and uncertain about who I am and what I’m doing, that I feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed. The idea of handling all that while trying to build a new life with someone else is a lot to think about. But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier for me.

Everytime I told someone that I didn’t see myself ever getting married, the response would always be the same: “What? Don’t say that! You’ll get married someday. You just haven’t found the right man yet.” Oh man, thanks for the reassurance. I know you’re trying to boost my self-esteem, but I never gave any indication that it needed boosting. I didn’t say I was incapable of finding a partner suitable for my wedding. Of course I want to get married someday, it’s just I’m not sure whether I’ll ever be ready and worthy to get to that phase of life. You know, I am not good at being in a relationship, let alone in marriage.

People think that I’ve been hurt really badly and that’s why I’m afraid of getting married. Oh god no. Remember I ever told you that “I had never actually thought about having children or getting married, those are all adult things that I’m way too immature to handle” before I was even in a relationship with my ex. So that clearly has nothing to do with any of this thing. I know my breakup has shattered the only dream of marriage I ever made in my life, but I know I could make another dream with someone new. I could build my life again and create another dream. In fact, I have met someone nice. I have met dozens of nice people after I broke up. It’s just I have to go through at least a dozen more life changes and improvements before I could consider myself ready for that kind of thing. I have to learn so many things to be considered as wife material.

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Feelings, Opinion, Relationship

On Relationship, Being Yourself, and Letting Go

I don’t know how to be in a relationship. This may sound stupid and hard to believe for people who have known me for years and contrary to the long list of guys I’ve ever dated, dumped or been very, very close to. I’ve dated some people before but it never turned into anything substantial. I pushed them away until they had no choice but to end it themselves. It would be easy to write myself off as a commitment-phobe or as someone who just hasn’t met her Mr. Right yet but it’s also something deeper, something far more serious than just dating with Mr. Wrongs. It’s a type of shortcoming. Some people aren’t good at understanding math, and I’m pathetically not good at being in a relationship. The second I start dating someone, I start to feel suffocated and look for a way out. I break plans, I make excuses, and for what? A movie night with my best friend? To be alone in my bedroom? Why? Because I stumble upon a 500+ pages of book and suddenly want to read it again for the 7658389 times?

If the quote about needing to love yourself before you can love someone else is true, then I’m definitely screwed. I have a lot of issues with myself. I realize I’m way too far from perfect, and I’m working on improving myself, but I still have my down days. No one wants to be with the girl who refuses to take compliments and has meltdowns for no reason, but that’s me. I want to know how to love someone completely without being crippled with anxiety. I don’t want to push you away by being such a crazy and callous person but I don’t know how to be sane either. I’m the problem. I’m wrong, broken, damaged goods, whatever. I took the line “leaving is always an option, you can always start over and create a new life for yourself” in the wrong way that I keep throwing things when it actually can be fixed. I’ve never actually thought about having children or getting married. Those are all adult things that I’m way too immature to handle. I know I’m fun to sleep with and drink with, but I don’t know if I’m really girlfriend material.

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And to my surprise, my previous former lover was the only person that didn’t have to deal with that terrible version me. I was still terrible though, but he seemed to be good at tolerating it. At least that’s what I felt. Yes. You’re someone I ever intended on keeping around, someone I had to make plans for the future, somone who made me think of getting married and having children, someone I wanted to see everyday and grow old with. With you, I’m no longer the person who feel suffocated and look for a way out. With you, I’m no longer one to break plans and make excuses to avoid meeting my partner. With you, I’m no longer afraid to live because I know there is someone who cares. I’d love you to be around for many years to come. For you, I was willing to change myself.

But…how much change is deemed okay?

Love makes you want to be a better person. But maybe love, real love, also gives you permission to just be the person you are. If I was faced with two options between someone who accepts me for who I am vs someone who accepts me for who I am but also sees chance of improvement in me, I’d pick the latter. But this is not improving. This is overhauling me. I feel like something that has to be fixed. I became someone who’s not comfortable in her own skin. I didn’t like it. I may sound callous and selfish to state such thing but I don’t want to lose myself in the process of loving someone. Like what Ernest Hemingway once said: “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.” A part of me cried out what’s the point in doing this? Why should I change for somebody who didn’t appreciate it? But another part of me pointed out that love requires sacrifice and compromise, and changing myself is good for a relationship, in fact, often it’s necessary. Relationships are based on compromise because there is no such thing as a perfect fit between people. But then again, how much sacrifice and compromise is deemed okay? How far should I go from being myself?

I know you did sacrifice a lot of things for me and I’m forever grateful for that. I’m a big liar to say if I wasn’t happy when I was with you. Of course I was so happy. We were together for three years and it’s stupid to spend it on someone and be unhappy while living it. It’s the longest run I’ve ever achieved so far, and the most tiring one as well. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’ll never make it that far again or more with someone else. But I don’t want to run back to you again. That’s not a promise, though. Maybe I still want to be with you. I don’t know. I still want you to be around for many years to come, as a friend. In fact, I look forward to seeing you with another girl that makes you happy. A girl that challenges you to be a better person, a girl that enjoys the same things you do, and a girl that loves you as much as we loved each other when we were together. I’m seeing someone new too and I will let you know! 🙂

I loved you. I loved you a lot. We had a lot of good times. Or at least I thought we did. So here is to all the heart felt text messages we sent and the long phone calls, here is to laying in the bed holding each other tight, here is to the the endless laughs and smiles we shared, and the tears we shed for each other, the fights we got in, and most importantly here is to breaking each others hearts. Not because we hate each other or don’t love each other anymore, but because we knew that our time together was over.

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