Feelings, Opinion, Uncategorized

On Maintaining Friendship

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It’s been so long since the last time I had a meaningful conversation with my friends, especially the ones I used to be close with. I’m not gonna play victim and act as if they treated me so bad and left me behind. In fact, I’ve been acting distant lately, and perhaps so have they. It’s safe to say that I have no faintest idea of how they’re doing if it’s not with the help of Instagram and Twitter. Social media indeed has strange way of making us feel like we still know each other’s life when in reality we barely do anymore.

To begin with, in the past several months I haven’t reached out to some of my friends and haven’t replied to their messages to the point where they might assume I ignored them on purpose. Maybe in a way I did, but not to all of them. Relax. I’m a horrible friend and seriously screwed up. I’m really sorry for that. I’m sorry that things haven’t been so great lately. I might come off as uncaring and selfish. I won’t be surprised if some of them no longer consider me as their friends. I get it. I can’t expect anyone to stick by me when I don’t do my best to keep in touch with them and give them the attention they deserve to get.

Friendships are fragile and require active maintenance, or they’ll die. I guess I’ve let it happen more than once. I started to read some articles about how to maintain a friendship so maybe I can still save the remaining friends that I think I still have. Keeping in touch is said to be the fundamental aspect of it, especially when it comes to maintaining a long lasting friendship. It sounds pretty doable though, but I don’t know how to do it. The people I’ve been best friends with until now are the kind of low maintenance friends, and I’m also a low maintenance friend. We don’t always talk to each other every day. We could go months without seeing each other. But we always give the reassurance that we still have each other.

As a trash texter with mild depression, it’s hard to imagine what I have to do to keep the friendship alive when the very basic thing like reaching out to friends, responding back to their messages, or making phone calls can feel so overwhelming sometimes. My close friends came from various background with various upbringing. Each of them carries different set of personality. I have friend whom I can do crazy things together, and I have friends whom I can sit for hours doing nothing but enjoying each other’s company while telling about our secrets. As much as they seem to be diametrically oppisosite, they’re very understanding towards my habit. They never call me out for being not fun when I’m not really up to do anything. That’s the kind of friends that I need in my 20s. I’m only two years away from quarter life crisis so I’m constantly trying to avoid the gravity to fall into it while preparing myself for the probability of experiencing it. No wonder I’m always exhausted.

Talking to my friends has tremendous benefits for my health and psychological well being, as well as broaden my knowledge and perspective. But the crux of the matter is, what kind of friends? Obviously not the ones who drain my energy, make me feel uncomfortable, guilty, insecure, and remind me of all the things I don’t want to be associated with anymore. Even though I’ve forgotten about why I stopped talking to certain people, not all of it was due to some major or minor problems. Sometimes it just happened. We lost the interest to continue the conversation, we started to reply a little longer than usual and finally we never heard anything from each other until our birthday –if we both happened to know each other’s birthday and remember it.

Humans are changing throughout life. The friends you used to do crazy things together apparently have changed and no longer into it. They friends you used to see eye to eye might no longer be on the same page as you about everything, or no longer share the same interest, value, and point of view, which later cause the friendship to be no longer enjoyable. The friends whom you used to stay up late with and talk about everything became person you no longer feel comfortable to spill your guts to.

After witnessing the end of my friendship with a few people, I came to realization that not all friendships are meant to last forever, no matter how good it used to be. Sometimes things are better left as mere memories. We aren’t meant to keep every friend we make, sometimes their chapter in your life is done because they only belong to certain version of yourself. Maybe someday they will end up showing up again in another chapters of your life.

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Feelings, Relationship, Uncategorized

Feelings are Fleeting

It’s very possible to not entirely understand someone even after being together for a long period of time. One day you can read them like a book, next day you start questioning yourself why on earth did you even want to deal with this confusing human being in the first place. Understanding someone does take time, but time alone can’t be used as the only tool to measure how deep you understand someone. To some extent, indeed time can help you develop the sense of conformity and familiarity with that person, which sometimes can feel the same as understanding them. But to me, people are like bottomless pit, and no matter how long you’ve been with them there might always be something about them that you can’t quite fathom.

I’m a difficult person to understand. One day you could feel how much I care about you and the next day you’d start questioning what you possibly did wrong to me that made me push you away out of the blue. I’m unpredictable and unexpected. I’m not good at expressing my emotion, sometimes I doubt that I even possess it. My fears are somewhat irrational. My feelings for someone tend to change easily, no matter how strong they may appear to be. Sometimes I couldn’t get you off my mind. Sometimes I’m not sure if I ever really like you in the first place. Small things can completely change my mind about something. But hey, feelings are fleeting, they come and go, right? Right? It’s okay if you don’t feel the certain amount of love for someone like you did yesterday. It’s okay if the things that your partner did caused a momentary hesitation, making you wonder whether you should just end things right away or just stay.

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But you, you managed to understand me. At least I think so. We don’t speak the same language about almost everything but you still managed to understand me. At least that’s what I love to believe. I know you’re also a difficult person to understand. You’re a combination of perfectionist and idealist. You want things to work in a certain way. You keep seeking for better options, even when you already had me. Sometimes you came off as ungrateful. One day you said you’re scared of losing me, and the next day you acted as if you never cared about me at all. You hated me for being emotionless but you’re mad at me for showing a bit of jealousy. You made things went awry. You reminded me that feelings are fleeting.

But most importantly, you stayed. Thank you for that. You stayed for a quite long period of time in my life, for whatever reason. I’m bad at keeping relationship, but you stayed. It’s a good thing. It’s a good thing even though it eventually had to come to an end. I don’t regret it. You enriched my journey with your presence. You made me feel loved. I loved you. You’re one of those special people who shaped me into the person that I am today. And I do hope that I also leave a possitive impact in your life, no matter how tiny and insignificant it might seem. Maybe we both can hardly feel the love that once we shared. But the memories we made can’t be easily erased.

It doesn’t really matter whether the feeling is still there or has entirely vanished. All that matters is that I still want the best things for you. I want you to always be happy and healthy, to be successful in your passions, to achieve what you want to achieve, and to live the life you always dream of. Those are my wishes for you on your birthday. Hey, happy birthday. Today you’re 24. Time flies so fast. It’s been 4 years since the first time I said happy birthday to you. I know we never really celebrated our birthdays since it has never been our tradition to do that. You said you didn’t care about it. Me neither. No, not about you or your birthday, but the birthday celebration itself. I, however, still care about you, or I wouldn’t find it necessary to write this down for you.

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Feelings, Opinion, Uncategorized

When Your College Major is Being Looked Down Upon by Other People

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Final exam for 12th grade student is just around the corner. I can’t help but recollecting as much as memories of what I experienced in my last year of high school. Six years ago, I was a confused 12th grade student, not having any idea of what major that I’d choose in college. I used to say that I’d choose english literature just because english was one of the subjects that I was kind of doing good at, besides math. I hadn’t done enough research to get to know more of all majors available in my alma mater so my judgement was solely based on what subject that I was doing good at, not on what major that I was interested to learn more or to pursue a career in it. So I decided to gather as much as information of what major that my alma mater offered and discussed it with my dad. Long story short, I chose to study animal science.

When I thought my confusion was already cleared, some people came up with questions like “what are you going to do with that?” or worse, “why didn’t you chose a more popular major?”. I didn’t even bother to think of the answer though, but I knew what they meant when they asked me that. I mean, I’m not stupid enough to read between the lines. Is there anyone here who happened to experience the same thing, or am I just a little too sensitive?

When people knew that I studied in UGM, they’re like “wow that’s great!” but when they asked my major, they’re not as excited as they were before. It seems like there’s a general consensus that certain subjects at university are more respectable and often associated with smart students, and will yield a high salary upon graduation, which pretty much shows that a large portion of people who frequently asked me are much too focused on money and prestige. Well, it’s totally okay if high salary become your main factor in choosing your college major, I mean, in the end we try to earn money with our degree. But it’s never okay to look down upon other people’s major just because it’s less popular or not as prestigious as your major. Choosing a college major is not about choosing which one is more prestigious than the other. It’s about choosing what you have interest in and have a chance to develop yourself in it. Studying in college is not always about increasing knowledge. It’s also about sharpening your logical thinking.

Being a student of animal science, sometimes I can easily feel how some people look down upon my major because they think it’s not a difficult subject, or even why it really matters, and assuming that all I do is just raising cattle and feeding them. Well people always assume about everything the same way they assume that art and design students is just about painting nice picture or selling their paintings. But you know, that’s just one of many, many options. Like animal science, it’s not just about raising cattle and producing beef and milk. The source of fat and protein that we eat on daily basis are pretty much the products of animal science. Where do you think all the milk, eggs, cheese, steak, corned beef, sausage that you consume on your daily life come from?

I believe that every major has its own challenge and is equally important. That’s pretty insulting when people just look down upon other majors without really knowing about what others are learning. But unfortunately academic snobbery will always exist. Those who are quick to judge a subject that they have little to no understanding is a reflection of their own ignorance and close-mindedness.

Choosing a college major can be overwhelming especially when we’re already sold on the idea that the rest of our adult life is determined on that choice, but actually it’s not a life sentence. In fact, many graduates find jobs that have nothing to do with what they studied in college. You don’t only gain knowledge in college since you also developed your personal skill. In the end, why would you look down upon people’s degree or jobs when we’re all essensially just working to fulfill our needs and to pay our bills?

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Feelings, Opinion, Religion, Uncategorized

Day 3: A Quote I Try to Live by

It’s only day-3 and I already messed up this challenge by not writing in the past 6 days. I tried to write when I was on my way back to home from work but always failed, either because I fell asleep along the way on Trans Jogja, or because the situation didn’t make it possible for me to write. And when I reached home, I always got sidetracked doing other things like cooking, gossiping with my dad, or complaining about how my neighbor changed his hotspot username and password so I can’t use it for free anymore. But now that I don’t have to go to work, I have enough time to catch up. Well, it’s not really catching up if I only write one post per day –if I could do that, though.

Well now let’s get cracking with this job.

Have you ever experienced a time when everything doesn’t seem to go your way? When you go through one bad thing after another, and everything seems to go wrong no matter what you do to fix them? Well you’re not alone, then. Bad things happen to everyone. For me and my dad, that time was last month. It was a pretty tough month for both of us, where our patience and sincerity were being tested. While my dad remained calm and patient, I was the one who *sort of* lost control. Instead of being mad at me for cursing a lot, my dad tried to calm me, because he knew how disappointed I was at that time. He just told me not to hate someone that much, and to always remember their kindness and forgive their mistake. He convinced me that we would be okay, we’re gonna find a way out of this difficulty, Allah will help us, and we could get through this together. 

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How my dad deals with every problem always reminds me of one verse in Quran “verily, with every difficulty, there is relief”. It is the 5th verse from Surah Al-Inshirah. One of the most beautiful verses in the Quran and maybe one of the most widely shared verse on the Internet. It gives a message of hope and encouragement, and makes me more positive and not easily discouraged whenever I’m facing a problem. It’s like a reminder for me that there is always a solution for any problem that we might face, and compared to Allah’s Mercy all our difficulties and problems are tiny. With that being said, that verse automatically becomes a quote that I try to live by.

You may feel like you’re going through your difficulties all alone, but Allah will always be by your side. Hang in there. The promise of Allah is true. After all, with every difficulty, there is relief.

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Feelings, Opinion, Uncategorized

Day 2: Things I Like and Dislike About Myself

Hey, I’m back to continue this challenge. I’m going to write down some of the things that I like and dislike about myself. I thought I’d do this challenge to help me appreciate the good things in me, not in an arrogant way but simply in a self respecting way, since it has been something that I’ve been struggling with my whole life. And I’m also going to write some of the things I dislike about myself, in the hope that in the near future I can do something to change that, or perhaps find a way to accept that. Knowing what you like and dislike about yourself is a very important basic key when it comes to improving yourself. Strengthen your strengths and change what needs to be changed. And in order to do that, you have to know what kind of person that you are.

Here are four things that I like about myself:

  1. I’m generally a positive-thinking person, and I always try to see the good in every situation, especially in the most difficult one. It’s never that simple, but it doesn’t have to be all that complicated either. It can be started from trying to be the least judgemental that I can become and keep myself surrounded by people who believe in staying positive.
  2. I forgive; always. I don’t hold on to grudges. I just want to live, learn, and move forward.
  3. I’m a good listener and a good problem solver, at least that’s what my friends told me. Perhaps that’s what makes them come back to me when they’re facing a problem.
  4. I’m quite independent and I can enjoy time by myself. I think I’ve mentioned a couple times about this in my older posts.

And now it’s time to write down what I dislike about myself, but i’ll try to include the positive things in them instead of merely mentioning them.

  1. Sometimes I give up too easily. I don’t always finish the things that I start and it can be a problem. The main reason I said that is because I haven’t finished my law degree. But if I try to look at the bigger picture, there are many things that I finished and achieved, like finishing my animal science degree in 4 years and two months, so it’s not entirely true. Instead of letting it defines who I am, I’d like to call it as a process that I have to go through in order to know who I want to be and what I really love. But however, I still need to be more resposible whenever I choose to start something.
  2. I’m sort of reluctant to ask for help even when I need it. I usually just accept the help when it’s offered. I like to help people but I don’t like to ask for one. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense. But fortunately, I’m SO blessed to have friends who care enough to offer help. Honestly, I don’t know whether it is something that I’m supposed to like or dislike, not sure if it’s shame, selfishness, or stupidity. But since some of my friends complained about it, I think it’s something that needs to be changed.
  3. Sometimes I still unconsciously compare myself with others. I know it’s human nature to always compare yourself and to see that the grass is always greener on the other side, but it doesn’t make it okay to keep doing that. It’s toxic. That’s why I always keep telling myself to focus on improving myself rather than feeling sad due to my bad habit of comparing myself with others.
  4. My commitment issue and how I always tend to push people away when they get too close with me. I’d like to think that it has something to do with my depression. Or maybe I’m such a shit person on the inside.

That’s that. I could write up to five or more things if I wanted to, but those things I wrote above are enough to represent me. 

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Feelings, Opinion, Uncategorized

Day 1: Five Ways to Win My Heart

A few days ago I stumbled upon a blog post about 30-day writing challenge. I’ve seen this challenge multiple times before but I had to google it up again to see the full list of topic that should be written. I found some versions of this challenge, but overall they’re similar and essentially the same. I don’t know who started this but, man, 30 topics are way too much for this lazy ass to handle. I gotta cut down some topics and make it into one-third of the actual amount of it. Hello, this lazy ass right here is trying her best to participate. But to be honest though, it is a quite interesting challenge to join because besides practicing my writing skill, it also helps me to get to know myself more deeply. So, without further ado, let’s get started.

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My heart is such a dark, spooky, and dangerous place that nobody should ever get closer, let alone winning it. And I don’t think there’s a certain way to win my heart. I’m actually easily amazed by something new and different, but it doesn’t count as winning because most of the times the amazement disappeared as quickly as it came. I believe that when it comes to winning my heart, it should be able to keep me amazed for a long time and most importantly makes me feel comfortable. So what I’m going to write down bellow is more like five ways to make me feel comfortable (and probably win my heart, eventually).

Leave me alone, give me the space that I need. If you’re a true believer of the quote “sometimes I push you away because I need you to pull me closer” please back off. Just because those girls before me used this trick doesn’t mean such quotes apply to every girl, especially to me. If I push you away, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, pull me closer. If I push you away it’s either I want to be alone or I can’t deal with your annoying ass anymore. Just give me the space that I need. I love the company of other people, don’t get me wrong, but I take a lot of time to recover from being around people as well. Someone who can respect my “me time” and understand how much I love solitude is definitely going to win my heart.

Be patient with my texting habit. I can be someone who sends text you frequently, reply to a text in a blink of the eye, and bombard you with tons of heart emojis, but it only happens for a few weeks until I finally feel tired of it. Maybe I just get bored easily. Or maybe I’m not the type to text someone all day everyday, no matter how much I like you or who you are to me. Go ask my boyfriend how often we text each other in a day. I just want someone who can pull off texting everyday and not texting at all in a day.

Be open-minded. It’s always nice to be around open-minded people, you know, those who are willing to listen, observe, understand, and try to see everything from different point of view. The ones who don’t easily judge and point at people, saying that their opinion is right or wrong. But it doesn’t mean that they always accept everything, though. They still have their own standard but chose not to impose anyone to live up to it. Even though we’re in a relationship and we believe that we’re soulmates, we’re still a different human beings with different way of thinking, and disagreements are inevitable and might happen. This is when your open-mindedness is pretty much needed.

Impress me with your knowledge. Looks fade; knowledge is forever. I’m attracted to people who knows a lot of things. It doesn’t always have to be about law, politic, physics or how this galaxy were formed, even though it’d be better if you could explain about that as well. It’s nice to talk to people who always have an answer to every weird and unimportant question I ask, or at least willing to think of the answer to my question instead of just saying “idk” “why did you even ask me that”.

Love french fries dipped in ice cream as much as I do. Well, this is the last one. It might sound weird for some people but believe me, many people out there have tried this since years ago. The combination of something sweet and something salty makes it taste SO good, please consider trying this or at least add it into your -100 things to do before you die- list. If you ask me out and take me to McDonald’s and you order this heaven-sent food there’s a huge chance I’m gonna say yes when you want to take me to McDonald’s again. Which means, a bigger chance to win my heart.

I think I left out a few things that probably were far more important but that’s all what I came up with for now.

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Beauty, Feelings, Feminism, Opinion

On Body Shaming and A Reminder for Myself Not to Constantly Criticize Others

People always have something to say about others, be it about their face, their body, their skin color, the way they dress up, their love life, even to the very personal thing that is their belief. It’s inevitable that at some point you’ll have a personal judgement about these things too. But does that mean that you should voice yours simply because you have one? Because you think that they need to know what’s on your mind, despite the fact that your opinion –which they never asked for in the first place– might hurt their feelings? No, it does not. Giving an unsolicited opinion can be rude and hurtful sometimes.

With the help of social media, today’s generation doesn’t seem to face difficulty in expressing and delivering their opinion. Twitter now allows you to write up to 280 characters per tweet. You‘re basically only one tweet away to tell those celebs about how pretty they looked before the plastic surgery, or how they look too fat or too skinny now. It is one thing to have an opinion, be it positive or negative, but it is another thing to deliver it in a hateful way without any good intention other than hurting or making fun of the target.

And now that almost all celebs are on Instagram, it became easier for us to leave a comment on their post. To be honest, I find pleasure in reading some funny comments on social media, they’re like the source of my happiness. That’s why sometimes scrolling through the comment section can be more interesting than actually seeing the content posted. But recently, the comment section is misused as an outlet to hate on others, to make fun and body-shame others. Let’s talk a bit about the latter. Body-shaming manifests in many ways and one of them is criticizing another’s appearance, be it in front of them or without their knowledge. Anyone online could experience body shaming, but it’s celebs who have to deal with it the most.

It’s only 9 days into 2018 when I heard that Kendall Jenner got shamed for having acne on her face during the Golden Globes red carpet. Some people were getting pretty judgemental about her acnes and decided to tweet it. Some also questioned for what she was even there at the event. But her fans came to her defense and praised her for showing that everyone, no matter how rich or famous, has experienced acne. Well, what’s so wrong about it? Acne is the most common skin problem. It’s not only people with acne-prone or oily skin who deal with it. No matter what your skin type, your skin condition, we’ll likely to get it at some point in our life. Just because she’s a supermodel and considered to have access to the best skincare in the world doesn’t mean she won’t have it. Nobody is immune to the occasional break out so why make fun of her when you can have it too, or perhaps worse than her?

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Can’t we just appreciate how stunning she was at that event, wearing black Giambattista Valli gown in solidarity with the Time’s Up movement? She was there supporting the movement, along with other celebs too, so what’s the problem? With that being said, it’s just sad that some people on the internet chose to ignore the overall appearance of a woman and most importantly a night’s powerful message that is putting an end to sexism and sexual harassment in Hollywood, and instead chose to criticize unimportant thing that completely has nothing to do with the whole event; that is Kendall Jenner’s acne. And it’s even sadder that it’s mostly done by women to fellow women. It’s like no matter how many women empowerment movement are formed, women still tear each other down over physical appearance.

Body-shaming and other physical related shaming perpetuates the idea that people should be judged mainly for their physical features. And unfortunately, nobody is ever really safe from it. Still from The Kardashian family, Kim Kardashian was body shamed while she was pregnant, even until when she’s no longer pregnant. Haters called her horrible names like fat and even compared her to a killer whale. You should’ve seen the meme all over the internet. Goddamn people it’s pretty humanly to gain weights especially when you’re pregnant.

A long list of awards and accomplishment that you ever received apparently still won’t be enough to save you from critical eyes that constantly keep an eye on every change on your body. Rihanna is one of the world’s busiest people, she’s rich, pretty and hot af, and she still got body-shamed for gaining a few pounds of weight. So what? That extra pounds doesn’t make her less admirable. She’s confident and comfortable with her fluctuating body and that’s what really matters.

Being a part of the British Royal Family won’t be enough to stop people from body-shaming you. People are body-shaming the Duchess of Cambridge by saying that she appears to be too thin to be healthily pregnant. Some even called her anorexic and malnourished. It’s pretty offensive, isn’t it? I’ve never been pregnant before but I know enough to say that carrying a baby inside you is already a struggle on its own. And now that she also suffers from Hyperemesis Gravidarum, your acid remarks is pretty much the last thing she wanna hear. Shaming a pregnant woman (or any woman) for any reason is not cool, and no one should have to put up with it.

The fact that there are conversations about Kendall’s acne or Rihanna’s fluctuating body at all is a reminder of how much emphasis our society still put on women’s appearance as important and valuable, and that people will always find something to be criticized, no matter how normal that thing is. And since I’m a part of the society, I keep reminding myself that we’re more than just pretty faces, and that “nobody’s perfect” doesn’t just apply to us normies but to celebrities too. And most importantly, I keep reminding myself not to constantly criticize others for every little thing they do, for every little change in their body. I won’t be happy to get criticized by people who have no idea what I’ve been through with my body so I might as well try my best not to do it to others. What you put out is what you get back. Would you want someone to do or say something to hurt you? Of course not!

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