It has been six years since my parents didn’t live under the same roof anymore. They’re not divorced, they just dont’ live under the same roof, for a few years, for a very –if I may say– egoistic, shallow, and stupid reason I will never fully accept until now. But for me, they’ve been emotionally distant since I was four years old. They used to fight a lot even since my sister was so little or even hasn’t been born. I can still perfectly imagine how they yelled to each other at midnight. I remember how my mom cried. I remember how my dad tried not to cry. And I remember how a four years old me was scared and crying alone in my room. I remember all of it. I grew up seeing my parents grew apart.
My sister would be sad and scared too if she could hear it. But she’s so little at that time. She’s so little to understand what’s going on and she was born deaf so she can’t hear anything. That’s what makes her special. But when she has grown up, she would finally understand how imperfect and messed up her family has been all this time. I hope she’s okay and not ashamed of that because every family is imperfect in their own way. They just happened to hide it better. Don’t you ever feel that you’re the imperfection in our family. My dear sister, please keep in your mind that you’re always perfect in your own way and you’re special to me. Never in my life have I ever seen you as an embarrassement in my life. Never. Every inch of my heart loves you so much and every inch of you deserves to be loved. Dad and mom love you as well. We could get through this together. Even though together means only you, me, and dad.
I never hate my parents. In fact, I love them so much. I never try to do something bad just to get their attention. They always give me more than what I could ever ask for. I do bad things sometimes because I’m human, just like you all. I sometimes make bad decisions that hurt people around me, just like you all. Sometimes I mess up too, just like you all. Sometimes I feel weak, anxious, broken, and incapable of handling my life, just like you all.
I’ve been dealing with mental health issue such as anxiety and depression (I will write about it in the next post) since last year but it’s not due to the problem in my family. While others think I’m just being dramatic, glorifying, and romanticizing my pain, my family helped me so much during that time. My dad took me to doctor. I know he didn’t have money at that time but he still took me to psychiatrist. My mom always sent me a message every morning to remind me to eat and drink more water, and every night to remind me not to sleep late. When I laid in bed so devastated and shattered, my sister came in and force me to eat and drink a sip of water. When she held me by the arms and looked at me, by the look in her eyes I knew she was telling me that she’d always be there for me. See? I’m surrounded by very supportive people.
When other people belittle my feeling, my family is the one who listen to me. When my friends told me all my flaws as if I couldn’t see it already, my family was the one who told me how wonderful I’ve always been to them and how they’re always proud to have me. I never consider myself less lucky than everyone, or my life less complete just because I only have my dad beside me. Experiencing such thing doesn’t lessen my value as a person. I never think I’m stronger or wiser than others just because I can get through this. None of this makes me different than others except that I –perhaps– have better understanding towards people who happened to experience the same thing. Sometimes I wish people wouldn’t see me less than a person that I am just because of the imperfection in me. I want to be loved and be appreciated as I am. Just like you all.