When I was still a college girl, my home was merely a place to sleep, to store my stuffs, and to do my college tasks. Juggling between two different campuses with tons of tasks, practical works, and lab reports, there’s not so much that I could do. Forget all the most anticipated TV series, all the must-watch movies, not to mention all the books I added to the To-Read shelf on my goodreads. Young adults need to sleep for 7-9 hours per night, said The National Sleep Foundation. But to me, that was only imaginary. I was more than grateful to have 50% of it, or 60% tops if I managed to fall asleep on my way to home in Trans Jogja. Now that I’m not as busy as before, sometimes I find myself longing for the life I had before. Isn’t it human nature to want something that’s no longer there anymore? But there’s also a sense of relief that those sleepless nights are over.
Besides taking part in shaping me into the person I am today, my old routine somehow affected the way I interact with my family, close friends, boyfriend, or pretty much everyone around me. I rarely went out with my friends back then. With that little amount of spare time and even less amount of sacrifice I was willing to make, I became more picky in choosing whom I wanted to go out with and to whom I said yes to. I highly, highly appreciate the little time I could spend alone at home. I’m so sorry if the quote “nobody is too busy, It’s just a matter of priorities” might hurt your feelings.
But the thing is, it’s not that I’m busy, not that I hate going out. In fact, I love going out as much as I love being at home. I love meeting people as much as I love being left alone. It’s just that I hate planning things that involves other people. I’m afraid of agreeing to dates several weeks in advance, knowing deep inside that I’m not sure whether I really want to go. But I also hate it if you suddenly ask me out, though. You’ll hear ‘maybe’ or ‘maybe not’ coming from me whenever I’m asked whether or not I will attend my friend’s wedding party. Basically, I have difficulties in saying “yes” to something, unless that something is strictly required of me. I’m sorry if I might come across as plain lazy and selfish.
Millions of people out there really go through a busy life. My life is pretty much nothing compared to them. And in the midst of their hectic schedule, they still manage to go out and socialize, taking time for their loved ones. Back to when I was still in college, I can count on one hand how many times I met my boyfriend in a year. I didn’t even bother to call him once in a week, let alone taking 3 hours long of train journey just to go to where he used to study. I never watched any of his basketball matches! All these situations were not caused by the lack of love that I have for him. It’s just that I wasn’t sure whether I could (or wanted to) visit him or not, so I didn’t promise him anything. And since I didn’t promise him anything, I never really attempted to do it.
It’s already hard to be in a long distance relationship with normal people, let alone with problematic people like me. One day I may act normal and the next day I may avoid and ignore you. Have you heard about commitment issue, or if not, commitment phobia? According to Psychology Today, it’s a fear of any kind of commitment that involves other people, not just relationship commitment. And with this fear, I never thought there would be someone who wants to stay, someone whom I willingly allow to stay long enough in my life. I never thought that sometimes I even want to go the extra miles to please him, to promise him that I will change self and actually doing it (or so, I think). Normally I tend to push people away. I end something before it begins. Some people left me, and I was only briefly sad but mainly relieved.
Fun fact: people with commitment issue still can be in a relationship. We want closeness that comes with being with someone. We like the comfort that comes with knowing that someone loves you even after knowing how shit you are. It’s just that we don’t see things long term and prefer living by the saying “we’ll see where it goes”. And as far as I can remember, that’s what we both said when we decided to be whatever we are now. I don’t know whether he has commitment issue as well or he’s simply not sure that I’m the one he’s been looking for. But knowing that he probably won’t be there till the end is what reduces the amount of pressure that comes when I think of committing long term. But of course I do hope that he’s gonna stay as long as possible because he’s the answer to my prayer that I prayed to God on my sophomore year. He’s like Jimmy to my Gretchen (please watch them on You’re The Worst, one of my favorite TV series), but not as worse as him, of course. And I’m sort of thankful that at some point he’s just as bad as I am when it comes to being in a relationship, so I’m not really the worst here. If I’m an asshole and then I meet another asshole, me being asshole is sort of okay.
By the way 2018 is only 4 days away! How will I overcome all the problems in me? Are we still gonna be together? Or are we moving towards different direction? Well, let’s see where it goes.