It has been a month and two days since my 23rd birthday. And since then I keep thinking of buying a small Quran for myself. Probably that’s gonna be the first thing I will buy next month as a late birthday present for myself.
By the way, lately, my Instagram explore is filled with tons of engagement and wedding photos. From my chairmate in high school to those selebgrams I don’t really know, they started to settle down with their special someone. Don’t get me wrong, even though I’m still as skeptical of marriage as I was in a few wordpress posts ago, I’m more than happy for everyone who chose getting married as the next thing they’d do in their life among other exciting options, because to be very honest I’m still an ocean away from thinking of marriage. My first baby step to think of it is probably following The Bride Dept Instagram account because I don’t want to miss out on their cool post and….to get motivated to think of marriage.
When you’re on Instagram the whole time and see how good everyone else’s doing, it’s hard not to compare your life with theirs. It happens automatically. Your life feels like a mess and you see perfection in everyone else’s life. Like what people always say, the grass always seems greener on the other side, right? But well, I’m not here to compare my love life, or life in general with anyone else’s. Less because getting married is not on my top three to do list, and more because I’m tired of comparing my life with others. When my life is falling apart, I tell myself that everyone has problems, that I’m not the only who’s struggling. People have their own path, and do things at their own pace. No need to rush and just do the best things that we can. Well, sometimes it works, sometimes I have to find another way to pull myself together again. And instead of focusing on how everyone has their lives figured out, I try to focus on my life and only look at other people’s success as a motivation to improve myself.
Along the way of trying to improve my life, I found myself thinking about my religion, something that has been long forgotten from my life, something that I didn’t care much and never took into consideration before. And for the first time, I became scared of the fact that I’ve been far from God. I’ve never been a religious person. I only wear headscarf to school because my parents told me to, or my friends wear it too, or because I was too lazy to wash my hair. There were time where I missed prayers because of oversleeping and I didn’t even feel guilty for it. I do fasting in Ramadhan but rarely do the voluntary fast. Basically I only do a few out of many obligations as a muslim, and not all my intention is because of Allah. Whereas, in a hadiths it is clearly stated that actions are judged by motives.
I still remember back then when my boyfriend and I discussed an issue, he always talked about the consequences in the Hereafer, while I never thought of it. Not because I didn’t know it, but more because I hate to be reminded that I’m full of sins, that eventually I have to hold responsible for all my actions in Judgement Day. I kept bending the rules, I only agreed on what’s suitable with my way of thinking. And the worst part is I used to *kind of* hate his way of thinking when actually it can save me from many errors and bad decisions making. I used to stay away or even scared of that kind of people who…you know..always think and behave in such an Islamic way. I used to think that they’re so boring, weird, judgemental, narrow-minded, and whatnot when actually they’re the ones whom I have to approach and be friends with. The ones I need to stay away from are those who make me forget Allah, not the ones who brings me closer to good things and makes me remember Allah in everything I do. Astagfirullah.
Now I kind of understand how it felt like to be him a year ago. When he finally made a decision to leave me. That’s the thing that he had to do if he wanted to change. I was a bad influence, I guess. Well, we were a bad influence for each other, back then.
But Allah works in mysterious ways. He doesn’t give you what you want when you want it, but gives you what He knows you need at the right time. And then God sent him again to my life. To remind me that I have to change, that I have to learn more about my religion, that I have to start practicing sunnah, and that I must leave all the bad habits I used to do in the past. I believe that if you truly want to change for good, Allah will send the good people to help you. To this very day, I’m still figuring out what I’m supposed to do first. It’s not because I’m nowhere near ready, but more because there are too many things that I need to change. The way I pray, the way I think and behave, and the way I dress up. Well, pretty much everything in me, I guess.
Pray for a stronger heart. The road to change is a bumpy one. I know my journey just began (or maybe it hasn’t been started yet?) and I still have so many things to learn. I’m still afraid that I’ll probably lose some of my friends along the process, or that some people will belittle my intention. But if I keep letting this fear pulling me down then I’ll never change. But I know that Allah is the Most Merciful, the Most Forgiving, and I believe that even if you only utter “I want to change” Allah will make it easy for you.