Feelings, Opinion

Open-minded: A Character I Wish to Have

People always have opinions about things. And sometimes, small talk about certain issue can turn into a heated debate with no way out, no end, and none wants to give in. We become the center of our own personal universe and we define our own definitive truths. We form opinions and become steadfast in them. We assume that our opinion is the most reasonable one that needs to be stated and be heard. We want others to agree with us, but we don’t even want to consider other’s view and perspective. But who can blame us, though? We only live one life, one perspective. And I kinda hate to say this but it’s somehow humanly.

I’m pretty much used to having a diametrically opposed point of view with my friends, or even my parents in certain sense. My former lover once cautioned me that I’m too open-minded, liberal, and a little lack of religious. That way of thinking could endanger me because it would make me easily provoked. Really? Is that it?

Back to my early year of college, I met many people who came from different city, with different culture, beliefs, and political views as well. Each one of them brought variety of traits in a way that was at first kinda hard for me to adjust. I also made friends outside my campus. To my surprise, some of them are the ones that I never thought I’d be friends with. Some of them didn’t come from the majority groups (muslim, straight, you know that) but from minority group that most people believe should be avoided for its bad influence or anything for me. But as you can see, I’m still the same person from the day one I knew them until the moment I write this. My sexual orientation is still straight even I’m friends with LGBTQ. I’m still a muslim even some of my friends are agnostic or atheist. The only thing that changed was that I became more tolerable than before when it comes to different opinion, idea, belief, political view, sexual orientation, gender preferences, etc. I’m not easily provoked nor did they try to provoke me in any way. Instead, they taught me to be more open-minded.

Being open-minded doesn’t mean accepting every new idea. It doesn’t equal with easily provoked nor  does it agree with every statement. We have standard. We question things. We even disagree too sometimes. Being open-minded merely means that we’re willing to accept that others have the right to have a difference in opinion, that we want to consider other’s view and give them a hearing, take what might be good and leave what’s bad without having to judge or even hate the person who don’t share the same idea.

We’re all raised differently and taught how to defend ourselves in various ways, so we can’t expect to agree on everything when we weren’t taught the same way. People have grown up under a wide variety of circumstances that have influenced their choices. Who am I to assume that everybody has been brought up under similar influences and circumstances as I have? And not everyone shares my religious beliefs, my values, my political views, my definitions of what is right or wrong, so who am I to judge?

Not everyone holds the same views and just because they believe something else doesn’t mean we can’t respectfully agree to disagree. Instead of degrading or hating on the people that don’t agree with you, take their opinion and agree to disagree with it. Just because something may not match with how you think, that doesn’t make the other person wrong. We can actually learn a thing or two from others opinions and it may help us to grow as individuals. As I grow older, I’ve met many people and exposed to new idea and  I also know that this world isn’t only filled with black and white. There are so many room for grey and other colors.

Open-minded is a character I wish to have in me. In fact that’s an important trait that we, human beings, should have. I’m not so open-minded like what some people assume. Or maybe I’m never so open-minded after all. My brain is oftentimes filled with judgement for the people who don’t seem to fit my personal definition of normal vs. abnormal or good vs. bad. Now I’m still working to sharpen my ability to truly understand other people’s perspective so y’all can talk to me about everything openly and I won’t judge you.

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Feelings, Opinion, Relationship, Uncategorized

You Might Want To Read This Before Throwing Yourself Into Casual Dating

I’ve read so many articles about hook-up culture. I even downloaded some reviews and thesis (I’m not kidding) related to it. Some of them say that we need to kill hook-up culture and some say go for it. Why should our glorious culture of casual sex be eradicated? According to one article, hook-up culture is destroying intimacy and making it difficult for us to fall in love. I know that many people view sex as an intimate connection with the person you love, but there are also a group of people who want to enjoy themselves without the emotional burden coming with relationships.

I know sometimes we get feelings for our partner after kissing, hugging, let alone having sex. But for the most part that’s hormonal thing. Women release more oxytocin aka the bonding hormone while men release more dopamine aka the pleasure hormone; that’s why it makes women fall in love more and makes men want sex more. You ever read that stuff, right? That feeling more often than not is not love. There are countless things people confuse for love: dependency, hormones, attraction, lust, expectation, an idea rather than a reality. Many people are buying into the idea that women are prone to mix emotions and fucking, but NO, we’re not, we’re just like men, we can separate the two, I promise. Let’s make a promise.

Blaming the hook-up culture for a lack of commitment is unfair. There are people who want relationships, and there are people who don’t. The people want to hook-up or keep it casual are not the problem; the lack of communication between the individual is the problem. Instead of fighting to end the hook-up culture, we should work on figuring out what we want from our own interactions. Do you want a relationship? Wait for it. Do you want to have sex without the intention of dating? Go for it. You have every right to.

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Figuring out what you want from your interactions with someone is imporant. Ask yourself, why do you want to have sex with someone? Are you trying to have a little fun, or feel lonely? You need to know what you want because it will affect how attached you get to someone. Be honest with yourself to prevent confusion in the aftermath of the hook-up. Hooking-up without developing feeling is easier if you just want to have some fun and to fulfill your sexual needs. Hooking-up because you’re lonely, heartbroken, or hurting will bring you to unwanted attraction and attachment.

People have always screwed people over from time to time when it comes to sex. The difference between then and now is that now it’s socially acceptable to be in control of your sexuality. It’s no longer taboo to talk about sex and to have sex with someone. Nowadays, some women are tend to be more sexually liberated, which means that we’re willing to respect different sexual behaviours of people. Whether someone is heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, whether someone is comfortable with casual dating (friends with benefit, one night stand) or with sexual relationships only while being in love, or sexual relationships only after long term relationship, or even sexual relations only after marriage. And I have no problem too with people finding casual sex unattractive, but thinking it means something unsavory about a person’s character is not okay. The assumption that it means something bad about that person, their personality, their views on relationships without knowing those things is shitty.

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Many people jump in this casual relationship thing without any preparations whether they can handle this kind of messy, fucked-up relationship-but-not-really-a-relationship relationship. You know what I mean? Some people think that after several hook-ups they can change their partner’s mind and you two will be like Justin Timberlake and Milla Kunis from the Friends with Benefits movie at the end of the day. Goddamn stop it! Friends-with-benefits are the kind of relationship where you don’t want to expect anything. Don’t expect them to offer you to spend the night with them, or a ‘good morning! Did you have your breakfast already?’ kind of text. They have no obligations to make you feel special on your birthday or comfort you on your down moments as they are not your romantic partner. They’re not obliged to fix you nor they are the missing puzzle in your life. 

The thing you need to know about casual relationships is that you can’t force anyone to feel something they don’t. You can’t force anyone into a relationship when they clearly don’t want to be in one. It’s not their fault if you fall for them. It’s not their fault you want a relationship when they told you up front that they didn’t want to be serious. Don’t be naive to think you could change their mind. Don’t be ignorant to think that you could be the one to masterfully change the course of casual relationships. The person you’re hooking-up with might be a really good kisser, or really funny, or remind you of your ex minus all the stuff you didn’t like. But he’s also the same person who agreed to keep it casual. The one who suggests “keeping it casual” is probably not going to be the one to fall in love with you a month from now. There’s 50:50 chance that one or both of you might fall for another in the end but just don’t expect it to happen. Remember the ground rule.

Like what I said, casual relationship isn’t for everyone and you have to think twice about it. If you can’t imagine yourself doing it, that’s okay. If in the middle of it you want to stop, let them know. Your partner and you have to be on the same page. That’s the rule. It’s also important to make sure that both parties agree to not expect more out of it. Don’t agree to things in hope you can change his or her mind in the future or under the assumption that casual is just a stepping stone to boyfriend or girlfriend status. If you want a real relationship but the feeling isn’t mutual because he wants to keep it casual, just learn to walk away if they aren’t going to give you what you need. Don’t expect him to change his mind by hooking-up with him. Don’t accuse him of using you. You use each other. Don’t feel bad for not being loved in return. 

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