It’s only six days away from 2017 and it seems like everybody has made new year’s resolution. Well, except me. I’m too busy dealing with this crippling anxiety, so my only resolution is to be mentally healthy again. And instead of making new year resolution, I made a few list of things I want to do in the next three years, and not a single thing has to do with marriage. Please don’t kill me, ok.
So, some of my friends are getting engaged, married, or just into serious relationships. A catch up with my friends over coffee turned into a bet on who will get married first. Like every girl, I would swoon for my friends who found Mr. Right. Like when one of my friend got engaged a few weeks ago. Her instagram was filled with the engagement pictures. I was torn between feelings “aww, finally, I’m so happy for them, I can’t wait to get married too!” and “ewww! Why are people getting married? You make my skin crawl. I’m going to throw up if I see one more post about engagement.” Why am I so bipolar when it comes to marriage?
It’s weird how sometimes I want to get married but then sometimes I don’t. Most of my friends told me the point of being in a relationship is to finally get married with your partner. I don’t know how to keep my relationship, let alone bring myself into whatever more serious than just being in a relationship. When it comes to committing to someone in marriage, however, I feel a deep knot of anxiety in my stomach. Marriage is for life, man! I get crippling anxiety over what I’m about to order in Starbucks, let alone who I’m going to be stuck with for the rest of my life. Marriage is a scary concept. It’s a blend of fears, sadness, and goodness. It’s never really knowing what is going to happen in your life, but still you trust someone so much that you want them to be around for many years to come, or as they said, forever. It’s knowing there is a chance of feelings fade and love lost, but you’re saying you won’t give up. Among the “I do’s” and wedding cakes, among the decorations and the gown, among the smiles on everyone’s faces, there is more. There is forever. How long is forever? That’s a pretty long time. I could feel my skin crawling as I imagined forever.
Having a family with someone I love is important to me. But love is not enough to sustain a long term relationship as substantial as marriage. Love should definitely be the foundation of your marriage, but love alone is not enough and will lead to failure and ultimately divorce. I understand the concept that marriage means sacrifice and compromise. But somehow, it frightens me to know there are things I’m going to have to do that I will not want to do, in order to make my marriage work. And I know that marriage means handling all that, as well as the life of someone else. Not to mention children, if you’re eventually going to have them. Sometimes I feel so confused and uncertain about who I am and what I’m doing, that I feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed. The idea of handling all that while trying to build a new life with someone else is a lot to think about. But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier for me.
Everytime I told someone that I didn’t see myself ever getting married, the response would always be the same: “What? Don’t say that! You’ll get married someday. You just haven’t found the right man yet.” Oh man, thanks for the reassurance. I know you’re trying to boost my self-esteem, but I never gave any indication that it needed boosting. I didn’t say I was incapable of finding a partner suitable for my wedding. Of course I want to get married someday, it’s just I’m not sure whether I’ll ever be ready and worthy to get to that phase of life. You know, I am not good at being in a relationship, let alone in marriage.
People think that I’ve been hurt really badly and that’s why I’m afraid of getting married. Oh god no. Remember I ever told you that “I had never actually thought about having children or getting married, those are all adult things that I’m way too immature to handle” before I was even in a relationship with my ex. So that clearly has nothing to do with any of this thing. I know my breakup has shattered the only dream of marriage I ever made in my life, but I know I could make another dream with someone new. I could build my life again and create another dream. In fact, I have met someone nice. I have met dozens of nice people after I broke up. It’s just I have to go through at least a dozen more life changes and improvements before I could consider myself ready for that kind of thing. I have to learn so many things to be considered as wife material.